Following is the fourth in a series of interviews that shaped the narrative of my next book: VoiceS Unearthed: The Impact of Early Intervention on Those Who Continue to Stutter. Names have been changes for reasons of confidentiality. Later this week I will feature Courtney with her parents, Linda and John for a unique all-around perspective. All names have been changed for reasons of confidentiality.  

41-year-old Courtney

Fluency was the only goal for Courtney in early therapy.  She desperately wanted to stop stuttering – she just figured she needed more time and practice.

“I remember home movies of me – Dad encouraging me to ‘sing your ABCs.’  I got to R and you could see I was going to stutter. I started to block and my dad yelled ‘R’ from behind the camera and you could see on my face how sad I was that my dad thought I didn’t know. I just walked off – I couldn’t say anything about it.

In elementary school I did not want to stutter. My parents found the stuttering specialist lady with the best advertising around and hence began a five-year quest for fluency, aka, reign of terror. The therapist had developed a technology that involved wearing an accordion belt to practice diaphragmatic breathing. The belt was connected to computer games. Tarzan and Jane were trying to get across a ravine on a rope swing. If I used my fluency tools and didn’t stutter, Jane would get to the other side of the ravine. After saving Jane using my fluency tools, I’d walk outside and couldn’t talk to my own mom without stuttering.

I figured I just needed more time and practice.

In second grade we got to bring in our favorite book to school and each have a turn in the teacher’s rocking chair. I was excited because I really liked my book. I got in the chair and I’m sure I blocked a lot and held back. I was never excited about a turn in the teacher’s rocking chair again. I remember telling my parents about it and heard my mom crying to my dad that night. I thought, ‘I can’t make them sad, I won’t talk about that to them.’ She didn’t realize I could hear.

I had mental health issues tied to the speech therapy because I was trying to be a different person and the therapy fueled that effort.

The message is ‘aim for fluency and until you achieve fluency, you’re not good enough.’ That became my own narrative and no one challenged that – they just fed it. There was never any explanation as to why someone who went so long and did so much homework, (and whose parents paid so much) was not having the purported outcomes. That was never really addressed so I was left to think it was my fault.

I interviewed for my first professional job never showing my stutter and it was a disaster. It was all I thought about – I wasn’t living well at all. I was super stressed and anxious. I was stifling myself and freaking out.

A turning point:

Fortunately my mom didn’t give up. She found Vivian Sisskin at The University of Maryland – a local university, and this therapist had a different approach. She focused on avoidance reduction instead of fluency. This focus helped me get out of the box I had painted myself into. Now I’m finding tons of support just being involved in the stuttering community and group therapy. I admit I went for about a year before I let the group hear me stutter. I have now been able to ameliorate the damage from childhood. I don’t know where I would be without having done that group and that work. The stigma felt like fact to me. ‘I’m not okay so I’ll just be quiet.’”